A note before reading. I wrote this an hour ago and posted it. I then felt dumb about doing it because I'm really not like this all the time, just tonight because I'm super SUPER tired after a fun but tiring weekend. I felt much better, so I then un-posted it. Then I had thoughts about how I wrote this because this is how I was feeling at the time, and although I'm embarrassed for others to read it, I do look at my blog as being a journal, and what kind of journal would that be if I wasn't completely honest and factual about my feelings and life? So I posted it again. Here goes:
So this is a downer blog. I try not to complain. I don't want to complain. If you don't want to hear me complain, don't read. It's my blog, so I'm going to unload my feelings. Please don't think I'm this terribly depressed girl. I can't decide if it's pregnancy, winter, or just stuff that will resolve once it's vented. And I'm not like this all the time, just occasionaly, especially tonight. Here goes.
I'm not very happy with myself right now. What's on my mind most recently is my calling. I'm the newly appointed Young Womans President, and I think I suck at it. I don't know what I'm doing. What I am doing, I don't feel is enough. I feel like everything is out of control. I feel like people are disappointed. I feel like it's a mistake. I just feel sad. I'm not complaining about the girls, the ward, the bishop, or anything like that. I'm complaining about me, my ability to make things work, and maybe I'm not mature enough? Hello. I'm only 25. I can't decide if I feel like this because I'm new at it, or if my pregnancy is making me this way, or . . . heaven forbid, please no, I'm really am like this and my feelings are true.
I have fairly easy pregnancies, but this time around I'm just so tired!!! SO TIRED! And my mind is shot. I can't remember anything to save my life. It's really making me depressed. I used to think I was quick and smart, and lately I just feel like the world's slowest dunce. I hate that it's affecting me this way. --That's part of my problem with the new calling. I can't remember anything I'm supposed to be doing for YW!
I'm starting to feel uneducated. I feel like my mind is slowly deteriorating. I've seriously wondered if I have a tumor. I need to do something to stimulate my mind, but how and when??? People who know my family, know the pressure that I sometimes feel. Sometimes, ha! I used to think I could still sort of keep my own in my family of geniuses, but now I'm just plain embarrased. I feel like the odd one out.
This one is dumb to be depressed about, but I am all the same. I'm not creative and I wish I were. I wish I had a cute blog with a cute background. I wish I had a cute decorated house. I wish I dressed cute and did my hair all cute. I wish I could plan better dinners. Lately I've just felt like sweats everyday. Lately I've not even bothered with the hair. I can't decorate to save my life. I have no energy to make a dinner, much less plan one.
So there you have it. I'm sorry. I like to be an upbeat person. I pride myself in being happy and making those around me happy. I feel like I haven't been able to do that lately and it makes me upset. I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow and embarrased I wrote this. For you first time readers, I promise I'm not like this ever. Well obviously this is a contradiction of ever, but you get what I mean.
I do love my husband and son. They make me so happy. I'm happy to be pregnant. Being a mom is so wonderful. Carter is just so fun to be with. I can't wait for another one! I'm lucky to have such wonderful family and friends too. I know I need to do a few things better in my life, and that if I do them, my load will seem so much lighter and I will be happier, I just have a hard time remembering to do them. I'm going to get on that. Thanks for hearing me vent, or not. haha. By the way, I do feel so much better now that I've vented.
Out
11 comments:
Those lucky young women! They have no idea. It will come. You are a babe!!
It's the pregnancy. Blame it on that, it will make you feel better, at least there is a reason, and an end.
When I was first pregnant ALL I wanted to do was sleep. I think that's totally normal. Plus, I was a space case. EVERY SINGLE PHONE NUMBER I called I dialed wrong. I would get it wrong three times before I finally got the person I wanted. And I triple checked. It was crazy. I have heard that children get their IQ from their parents. What they don't say is that take ours.
Plus you are allowed to vent, you unload on that blog girl!
I need some help house hunting and blah blah blah. Call me when you have a sec.
So I wrote that big old comment, then the internet freaked out. I had a panic attack that I was going to have to re-write it. We all know that's a pain.
Phew... it's here.
i totally felt like that when i was pregnant and working at a hall advisor job (with byu's high goals of how to help college kids). Even after she was born, then after ash stopped nursing it was like another postpartum let down. Hormones just mess with your head, and magnify things. I think everyone doesn't think they or their house it the cutest... because nobody's is, really, we all try though to make our suroundings somewhat neat and enjoyable. I don't know about you but because i my 'full time job' is at home and i'm there so much, it's easy to get tired of how my apt looks or the things that get messy so often. I think it's easy to compare and it doesn't help one bit. about cooking/cleaning- Although i love new recipes, it's not as fun to clean up, so i often just make something really simple. I think most people get tired of cooking every night and give in to frozen or unhealthy easy food. other moms have told me how they decide that "today is a paper plate and pb & j day" and just relax on themselves.
and....That YW calling is a big one, but if you're able to just focus on the girls' needs, it probably won't require you to be a cutesy craft jedi master. i know i'm not! you just let God tell you what You have talents doing. I think you have a lot of them.
I am totally laughing right now...STOP saying sorry!!! You are simply human and PREGNANT I promise it is really just being pregnant. It is worse with your second. And it is a proven fact that your IQ drops 20 points when you are pregnant. Stewart had a professor that wouldn't let his students take the DAT or MCAT...when they were pregnant because of it. He told them to save their money and wait because they would do much worse simply because their IQ dropped. I think you are great and I don't think anyone would think you are a depressed person. You a ray of sunshine kind of person - a down to earth one - - - the best kind! I know you feel better now but just remember the IQ points thing!!!! Because you'll feel this way time and time again being pregnant. My last semester I was pregnant with Angeli, my classes were such a joke! I was embarrassed about how stupid I felt. You are wonderful and be kind to yourself you are building a baby, and raising one at the same time not to mention being a wife to med student, a professional cleaner, cook and YW president it's a lot and you are amazing at all of it!!!!
PS I really like your blog! It feels good to know people feel the same way as I do sometimes!
You are a wonderful girl from the outside and the indise! Everyday it's a new day. You had a crazy weekend. You are tired and PREAGNET!. The lord is never wrong. You are the perfect for the YW. Besides remeber that you have help USE IT! whenver you feel not inspired ask to your secretary or consulers to help you out. Thank you for coming, I had fun at the zoo and your son is so cute and smart. I keep lauging everytime that I remember him saying A BITE! You see you are rasing a great guy there. Seriousley you are great, funny, good friend, smart, and cute :)
Hi Cassidy,
This is Lisa (Winterton) I can't help but "wander" sometimes with blog searching and I came across yours today. I just wanted to add a couple things to what you said. Last May of 2007, I was called to be YW President of my ward that I had only been in for 2 months (at the time). I'm sure you can imagine the fear and anxiety I felt when I got my calling. Just like you I kept thinking "I'm only 24!" (Cause at the time I was). If anyone understands your feelings I do! Its the most overwhelming feeling in the world. I felt soooo inadequate, intimidated, self-concious, paranoid, and downright scared. So, at least you have excuses for being pregnant because I didn't! I've been in for 10 months I am now FINALLY starting to understand what I'm doing and thoroughly enjoy the girls and the work that I do. I hope that's not discouraging! Anyways hang in there! I promise it'll get better! If you ever want to compare or brainstorm ideas or vent let me know because you're about the only one that I know of thats in my situation as well!
Congratulations! I just found out. I bet your having a girl. They make you extra hormonal, so complain away, you need to sometimes. Anyways, I'm in the YW also, and I know what you are talking about, except I'm not the President, that really sucks. But I bet you are doing a great job. I just blame the parents, not myself, it's easier that way! hehe.
Cassidy, I don't know HOW you do it all. Come on, you are the freakin YW PRESIDENT! That is a huge calling and anyone would feel like that if they were in your shoes and then on top of that you have a two year old toddler and your are pregnant. My hats off to you for sure. You are AMAZING... I'm glad that you posted that because sometimes I feel the same way too, we are all human. I love the part where you said that you wanted to dress cute. I feel the same way too... Just wanted to let you know that you are the greatest and I look up to you so so much. Take care and don't stress out too much. Love ya!
I ditto everything said above. You are beautiful and I love you!
My 1st pregnancy was easy too...but with this one I've been VERY tired and lazy. Every pregnancy can be COMPLETELY different so don't let it get you down. As far as your calling, we all feel overwhelmed like that occasionally I think. Just continue to do your best, get a blessing from your hubby for comfort, and tell yourself "I'm awesome!!" I'm sure you are a MUCH better Young Women's President than you think!! Also work a lot on one of your hobbies. I recently started challenging myself more with my crocheting and I've felt good about myself as I make beautiful things...and I want to sell them at a craft booth in a couple months!! Focusing on things you are good at might help you feel better about everything overall!!
Alright You really got to be nicer to yourself! Being pregnant really messes with you- look at all these people in the above who have confirmed its the pregnancy and being the yw pres is no easy cookie- And I dont know anyone who would say "Oh I luv my looks- apt ect..." Honey I luv to get ready- you know this and let me tell you sundays seem to be the only day I still do since I was prego! Just remember you have a good husband and a heavenly father who loves you!
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